we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
