Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
