First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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