So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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