That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
