Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
