Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
