I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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