I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
you made out with another girl for some wings
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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