I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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