I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I am midnight drunk by noon
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
