Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
