You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
