Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
