If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
