It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Randomize
