Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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