dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
