You work out of a Hotel?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
