Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
