I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
