I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
