I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
