I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
