I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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