go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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