It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
