he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
BRING THE BAGELS
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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