i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
