K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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