it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
