She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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