i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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