Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
