I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
