I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
