it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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