Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Randomize
