It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
