Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
