we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
