She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
is that a dick in a sweater?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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