no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
