I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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