I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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