She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
