the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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