my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
