Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
When did angry sex become our thing?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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