your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
